Someone once told me that they didn't understand how someone could be poor and fat. The natural logic was, no money = no food = skinny bastard. All of that seems to make sense accept most people who make a comfortable living seem to equate "poor" with "destitute," which, as we of the lesser financially inclined know to be absolute bullshit.
There are starving populations in third world countries which match the tried and true description of the waif impoverished masses. Yet, here in the good ol' US of A we have got a powerful majority of individuals who still consume food regularly, they just lack a very specific element: choice.
Choice is one of the great dividing lines between living and surviving. Someone who is living can go to a grocery store, browse, read labels, compare caloric intakes and saturated fats and make generally educated decisions based on taste, texture and nutritional value. A survivors diet is pretty much predicated on what food items have been marked down to a passable level (aka - $.99 or below). These are the people you see cowering in the cereal isle on all fours looking for that last bag of Tastee Fuzz that has been marked down to "buy 1 get 12 free." These are people who buy their rice at 99 Ranch and their condoms at Big Lots.
So, with that being said, the food budget, a laughable phrase to say the least, casts the deciding vote as to what goes into our bodies. With $17 a week to survive off of, the options are limited. It also doesn't help that truly healthy, nutritious, non-toxic, delicious, non-carcinogenic food costs a lot of money. If you really want to see capitalism at his sodomitic best, go check out the clearance rack at Whole Foods.
Money = Living and there is a powerful reason why health and wealth are only separated by one letter. On top of the fact that the wealthy get the best health care, the best living conditions and the best shelter and clothing, the poor are forced to stretch the absolute limits of quantity based on the smallest dollar value. Hence, the fat poor guy.
It may actually seem that the poor might have the winning hand in this trade out, for the equivalent of one bag of groceries at a health food store, a family of 5 survivors could get a weeks worth of provisions and maybe some lotion to treat that strange rash that keeps cropping up whenever they drink the powdered milk. The mass produced, chemically preserved, ultra bulk items are the only choice, not to mention you are usually trying to find the mass produced, chemically preserved, ultra bulk items that are ON SALE. The luxury of shopping for the "next few days" is not an option (fuck! could you imagine the gas), most survivors are shopping for the next two to three weeks because that's the span between paychecks and if the food doesn't last... then that's it, time to eat the dog and ration the children.
So what do the dregs eat. SHIT THAT LASTS! Canned, processed and packaged. I remember a particularly brutal week where I was weighing whether to purchase a 3 pound bag of tortilla chips and half gallon of brown label salsa or a loaf of cheap bread, mustard and lunch meat. The decision was heavy because the $5 I had needed to hold me for 4 days before my next paycheck . I am sure many of you can relate to this situation (and for the inquiring minds I went with the chips and salsa because 1) I tire of shitty sandwiches quickly and 2) I had that the previous 6 days). The same amount at Whole Foods would have got me... how the fuck should I know!!
So there I was, with a quarter pound of high starch, high salt, carbs rotting to cancer in my colon without any suitable nutrients to give me the will to get up or the desire to shit (because it hurt). Bad food means bad health, bad attitude, bad energy, bad physique and a bad person. So do the math and suddenly you get, "You know these people should really eat some healthier food, maybe they wouldn't be in such a bad mood all the time..." Well thank you for the update, Martha! Maybe our kids should study harder while they're being jumped into to the local gang set to prevent from being raped on their seven mile trek home from kindergarten! There is no choice; there is overstock, clearance, wholesale and price cuts.
Now you're poor and you're fat. Now what. Well kids, here comes the advice you've all been waiting for:
One A Day Keeps the Hepatitis Away
Discount multivitamins was some evil bastards idea back in the dark times to keep the slaves from dropping dead on the spot as they were carrying stones up the pharaoh's driveway. Now these great bench marks of science can be passed on to you and yours in the grand tradition of the sustainable labor force. All kidding aside, there are some decent after-market, non-label multivitamins that will keep you from seizing when you've been living off cheerios for 2 weeks. True it lacks the actual benefits of digesting your much needed minerals through proper food consumption, but at least you won't vomit at work... a lot. I also like to get something with some fiber in it so it doesn't sound like I'm squeezing a short bus of retarded kids out of my O-ring whenever I run to the john.
I like these guys cause occasionally they'll do a buy one get 5 free deal and you can have vitamins for a the next three months for anywhere between $10 and $15 bucks.
www.puritan.com - Yeah, sounds like a cult, but then again I would join a fucking cult for the promise of free health care and occasional blow job.
Ramen Is Your Friend
Pretty much every college student and immigrant knows this, but Ramen is the life blood of the working class. True, it's absolutely horrible for you and I have yet to see anyone perform a decent Pepsi Challenge with it, but fucking hell, $2 for a weeks supply. Mix that with your vitamins and you got yourself a food budget that is not only passable but absolutely depressing!
Plus, there is so much Ramen out there: Top Ramen, Maruchen Ramen... umm... Real Ramen (yes surprise, surprise, surprise Gomer, the shit we got here a starving family in Mongolia wouldn't use to poison their yak). I like to mix and match my Ramen, go dry noodle one day, soppy broth noodle the next. Even mixing flavors can be fun like Seasoning Salt mixed with the other Seasoning Salt, or Brown package day and Pink package day! The possibilities are endless! (what asshole said we didn't have any choices, hunh!)
Condiments Be DAMNED
OK, if you truly are broke, your food doesn't get mixed, matched or made with anything but water or heat. There is no "cooking" because their are no seasonings, sides, extras or additives (well not any good ones anyways). This also makes poor people really efficient eaters because who needs all the pesky prep and cleaning up when dinner involves a peeling of cellophane and a wastebasket.
I had an old roommate who taught me the glory of Ketchup Sandwiches! I introduced him to the 10 for $10 canned goods selection at the grocery store. We have been friends ever since.
There is probably no other poor area where the K.I.S.S. method has ever been so forcefully necessary (Keep It Simple, Stupid)! So ditch that mac n' cheese, rice a roni and hamburger helper, that all requires other shit which will tax the hell out of your weed money! Which leads me to my last tip...
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE
Nothing fuels my homicidal tendencies more than those disgusting fucks who spend their food stamps on Hostess, Kraft and Diet Rite. This has less to do with the fact that they are being given government vouchers for free and blowing it on junk food, I could give a fuck if they keel over rocketing gooey MSG out of their eye sockets, but it's the fact that they are buying NAME BRAND SHIT!!! You fucking fuckbag, MOTHERFUCKERS!! Really! You could get your same sugar high and cholesterol fix on the generic shit and get twice as much to last you three times the amount of time. True, the diabetes and eventual heart attack will hurt like a son of a bitch but at least you'll make rent and other poor peoples tax dollars can go towards more important things like building prisons for your children and supplying cops with second-hand balsa wood reinforced body armor.
If you're struggling, buy the cheap shit. You are going to be unhealthy, both mentally and physically, all the time anyways for so many other reasons, might as well resign to the fact that you can at least have a full stomach before heading back into the mines.
So let us wrap this puppy up (for supper) and come to some simple conclusions. The only goal for a broke person is one thing: Don't be broke. So if you are having some concerns about eating healthy, exercise, or physical appearance then you are just lying to yourself and prolonging your poverty. Why don't you spend it picking up those extra shifts, robbing that liquor store and taking it up the ass from the furry Armenian with the camcorder who pays by the hour so you can get out of the festering nutrion-less shit hole that you're in. If it's a peer pressure thing, well then break into their house and take their wholesome food as a lesson. Then burn the fucking place to the ground.
Off to heat up my dinner of whatever the fuck I chip out of the freezer! Good night and bon appetite!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Weapons against the P: Masturbating!
What kind of blog would this be without helpful hints and tips on surviving your predestined financial state!
This is the first of many posts on all sorts of great activities you can utilize to pass the time on your way to the poor house.
One of my favorite things in the world is financial sites that advertise cheap dates, activities, seminars, "adventures" and events that are easy on the wallet. Essentially, this is just another site selling you shit. If you are broke the only activity you can afford comes with one price tag and one price tag alone: $0
So let's jerk off!
Yes masturbating, the true proof of God. Any creature which has been blessed with the cognitive ability to blow a load by choice and at basically any time is really one of the remarkable wonders of our world.
Hopefully, I do not have to go through the rudimentary mechanics of expelling some nutty-buddies, but let's talk about the proper motivation!
Horray for free porn
If you are reading this blog then you probably have access to a computer and also are hopefully stealing your internet service. Due to the overwhelming demand (and the slow decline of western civilization) porn is free and abundant on the world wide web. You can watch it on computers and mobile devices anywhere in the world and not have to pay a dime. It used to be you only had access to the occasional clip that ran out just before the evil janitor slammed his rocket meat into the tied up cheerleader, but now you can watch full 30 to 40 minute rampant fuck-fests done by real down home people with low self esteem!
Here are some sites just to name a few!
Raw Gonzo
Spankwire
Smuttt
Now this is a great source of subject material that can be saved in the big, 10% use hard drive we all have called brains. There is nothing like watching some free porn, then remembering and then reusing it again and again. All free, all the time!
The lost art of Fantasy
Everybody's got someone they want to fuck. The waitress at Denny's, the teller at the welfare office, the stuck up bitch in the cubicle by the copier... whatever. Time to take the time to really work out the intricate fantasies of having your vulgar and unspeakable way with said lover (victim, depending on your preference).
I like to spend a good ten minutes giving my subject a thorough once over. A full body scan, if you will and then selecting one personal item in their general area that brings just the slightest source of reality into my lurid chamber of stickiness. For example, I used to fantasize about a waitress who I knew outside work as well. She always had some kind of drink in a metal thermas that she would constantly have with her. With that in mind, I would always slap the thermos out of her hands before bending her over my couch, or have her dump the contents over her awaiting form before being whisked off to my pump palace. (this fantasy worked better with cold drinks than hot). Wham bam, a little piece of truth in the pathetic lie added to the fun every time!
Here is the best part, no one will ever know how much self-sex you are having with them. It is so much better than actually ever dating them and realizing what a peice of shit they really are and losing out on all that cash for wasted food and entertainment that never ended in any fantasy resembling what you had of them. Save the cash, lock them into memory, then lock your door and go to town.
Nut busts lead to Savings!
One other great aspect is that fact that jerking off leads to ejaculation (also free) which leads to sleep (also free)!
Essentially you can get an awesome three for the price of one selection on totally free activities that take up time and distract you from the mundane miserable existence you are leading! Now that is an awesome deal.
Poor Man's Challenge:
Here is a great challenge to save money and have fun. Store up all this week for a full weekend of fantasy style wank off! Turn off the phone, leave off the lights and go to town in every filthy desire about every possible person you can remember ever wanting to violate. I like playing a game I have labeled TIME TRAVEL. This is where I think back to the earliest fantasy I have ever had and try to play through them one at a time. I include in this list every ex, friend, and enemy I have ever had my eye on if even once or as a constant participant in the super-porn mash up that is my spank tank!
Try to jerk yourself into exhaustion! See how many times you can do it in an hour/ day / weekend. Write it down and try to beat your record! This is an awesome, isolated and completely free activity that saves you money, releases tension and burns calories.
Now let me tell you what the best best bestest part is! You never ever have to pursue anyone. People in real life are not fantasies unless you have money, so it is retarded to think that you will ever have a real one that is even slightly comparable to the twisted menagerie that makes up your mind. So put them out of your mind. There will be more on this with future Weapons against the P posts, but for now, you've been reading long enough. Hit the room, hit the lights and let the self abuse flow... amongst other things!
This is the first of many posts on all sorts of great activities you can utilize to pass the time on your way to the poor house.
One of my favorite things in the world is financial sites that advertise cheap dates, activities, seminars, "adventures" and events that are easy on the wallet. Essentially, this is just another site selling you shit. If you are broke the only activity you can afford comes with one price tag and one price tag alone: $0
So let's jerk off!
Yes masturbating, the true proof of God. Any creature which has been blessed with the cognitive ability to blow a load by choice and at basically any time is really one of the remarkable wonders of our world.
Hopefully, I do not have to go through the rudimentary mechanics of expelling some nutty-buddies, but let's talk about the proper motivation!
Horray for free porn
If you are reading this blog then you probably have access to a computer and also are hopefully stealing your internet service. Due to the overwhelming demand (and the slow decline of western civilization) porn is free and abundant on the world wide web. You can watch it on computers and mobile devices anywhere in the world and not have to pay a dime. It used to be you only had access to the occasional clip that ran out just before the evil janitor slammed his rocket meat into the tied up cheerleader, but now you can watch full 30 to 40 minute rampant fuck-fests done by real down home people with low self esteem!
Here are some sites just to name a few!
Raw Gonzo
Spankwire
Smuttt
Now this is a great source of subject material that can be saved in the big, 10% use hard drive we all have called brains. There is nothing like watching some free porn, then remembering and then reusing it again and again. All free, all the time!
The lost art of Fantasy
Everybody's got someone they want to fuck. The waitress at Denny's, the teller at the welfare office, the stuck up bitch in the cubicle by the copier... whatever. Time to take the time to really work out the intricate fantasies of having your vulgar and unspeakable way with said lover (victim, depending on your preference).
I like to spend a good ten minutes giving my subject a thorough once over. A full body scan, if you will and then selecting one personal item in their general area that brings just the slightest source of reality into my lurid chamber of stickiness. For example, I used to fantasize about a waitress who I knew outside work as well. She always had some kind of drink in a metal thermas that she would constantly have with her. With that in mind, I would always slap the thermos out of her hands before bending her over my couch, or have her dump the contents over her awaiting form before being whisked off to my pump palace. (this fantasy worked better with cold drinks than hot). Wham bam, a little piece of truth in the pathetic lie added to the fun every time!
Here is the best part, no one will ever know how much self-sex you are having with them. It is so much better than actually ever dating them and realizing what a peice of shit they really are and losing out on all that cash for wasted food and entertainment that never ended in any fantasy resembling what you had of them. Save the cash, lock them into memory, then lock your door and go to town.
Nut busts lead to Savings!
One other great aspect is that fact that jerking off leads to ejaculation (also free) which leads to sleep (also free)!
Essentially you can get an awesome three for the price of one selection on totally free activities that take up time and distract you from the mundane miserable existence you are leading! Now that is an awesome deal.
Poor Man's Challenge:
Here is a great challenge to save money and have fun. Store up all this week for a full weekend of fantasy style wank off! Turn off the phone, leave off the lights and go to town in every filthy desire about every possible person you can remember ever wanting to violate. I like playing a game I have labeled TIME TRAVEL. This is where I think back to the earliest fantasy I have ever had and try to play through them one at a time. I include in this list every ex, friend, and enemy I have ever had my eye on if even once or as a constant participant in the super-porn mash up that is my spank tank!
Try to jerk yourself into exhaustion! See how many times you can do it in an hour/ day / weekend. Write it down and try to beat your record! This is an awesome, isolated and completely free activity that saves you money, releases tension and burns calories.
Now let me tell you what the best best bestest part is! You never ever have to pursue anyone. People in real life are not fantasies unless you have money, so it is retarded to think that you will ever have a real one that is even slightly comparable to the twisted menagerie that makes up your mind. So put them out of your mind. There will be more on this with future Weapons against the P posts, but for now, you've been reading long enough. Hit the room, hit the lights and let the self abuse flow... amongst other things!
Oil and Water: Vices and Poverty
This is a good way to tell if you are a lying sack of shit, a lazy bastard or just doomed:
If you are addicted to cigarettes or booze.... you are not a poor man.
Explanation: If you still have the ability to maintain any of these vices and still stand under the noble banner, "Damn I am broke," you are a god damn fucking liar and should be hanged in the square by your thumbs.
Let's talk vices for a bit. A truly broke and broken individual has not even a margin in their complex yet limited budget for any type of vice, addiction, "retail therapy" or hobby. Now if you are sucking off fat guys behind the truck stop for your Marlboros or choking newborns for a shot of J&B, then you land outside this category. However, if you are one of the many brazen fakers who claim that they can't pay their rent, but are hung over with a half full pack of smokes in their back pocket... you're not poor, you're a fucking moron.
Truly broke people don't have vices. They can't afford them. They don't "not know how to handle money" they don't have "impulse control issues," and they are not "bad money managers." THEY"RE FUCKING BROKE. They go nowhere, they do nothing. They work, they eat, they sleep, they shit and they hate your fucking guts. If they do drink or smoke, they do it on someone else's dime or when they are able to squeeze a microcosm of money out of their already strangled cash flow to buy the cheapest six pack they can and then consume in a dark room to keep from killing themselves. Like on birthdays.
That's it! There are no exceptions. So if you are one of these people, quit your vice and see where you stand. Two weeks without booze or cigarettes can can totally redefine your financial, not to mention mental and possibly spiritual, outlook. Suddenly, you will find yourself discovering all this extra cash you have around and the ability to feed yourself without flaring up that ulcer or borrowing from your folks.
I will rip on this more later, but there are those people who want to be poor. Not that they are consciously seeking out ways that they can burden themselves with all the pitfalls of a capitalist society, but they are people who long for the justification to complain about their finances. THIS SITE IS NOT FOR YOU.
People who can't control their spending, or just "have to have" things are deserving of the capitalist ass rape that is pumped into every non-wealthy American from their date of birth. There is a very immense need for that type of person in order to make many very rich, very powerful industries grow and prosper. But as I said, I will have my way with this later.
So to conclude this Oil and Water for today, analyze that vice and justify it in whatever way you wish. If you are truly enslaved by it, hopefully it will kill you quickly and violently, if not, then put it down. Your simple act or inactivity may be the dividing line between abject poverty and sustained impoverishment.
If you are addicted to cigarettes or booze.... you are not a poor man.
Explanation: If you still have the ability to maintain any of these vices and still stand under the noble banner, "Damn I am broke," you are a god damn fucking liar and should be hanged in the square by your thumbs.
Let's talk vices for a bit. A truly broke and broken individual has not even a margin in their complex yet limited budget for any type of vice, addiction, "retail therapy" or hobby. Now if you are sucking off fat guys behind the truck stop for your Marlboros or choking newborns for a shot of J&B, then you land outside this category. However, if you are one of the many brazen fakers who claim that they can't pay their rent, but are hung over with a half full pack of smokes in their back pocket... you're not poor, you're a fucking moron.
Truly broke people don't have vices. They can't afford them. They don't "not know how to handle money" they don't have "impulse control issues," and they are not "bad money managers." THEY"RE FUCKING BROKE. They go nowhere, they do nothing. They work, they eat, they sleep, they shit and they hate your fucking guts. If they do drink or smoke, they do it on someone else's dime or when they are able to squeeze a microcosm of money out of their already strangled cash flow to buy the cheapest six pack they can and then consume in a dark room to keep from killing themselves. Like on birthdays.
That's it! There are no exceptions. So if you are one of these people, quit your vice and see where you stand. Two weeks without booze or cigarettes can can totally redefine your financial, not to mention mental and possibly spiritual, outlook. Suddenly, you will find yourself discovering all this extra cash you have around and the ability to feed yourself without flaring up that ulcer or borrowing from your folks.
I will rip on this more later, but there are those people who want to be poor. Not that they are consciously seeking out ways that they can burden themselves with all the pitfalls of a capitalist society, but they are people who long for the justification to complain about their finances. THIS SITE IS NOT FOR YOU.
People who can't control their spending, or just "have to have" things are deserving of the capitalist ass rape that is pumped into every non-wealthy American from their date of birth. There is a very immense need for that type of person in order to make many very rich, very powerful industries grow and prosper. But as I said, I will have my way with this later.
So to conclude this Oil and Water for today, analyze that vice and justify it in whatever way you wish. If you are truly enslaved by it, hopefully it will kill you quickly and violently, if not, then put it down. Your simple act or inactivity may be the dividing line between abject poverty and sustained impoverishment.
The First Level: Acceptance
So you are broke as fuck, time to accept it.
The first big step for the acknowledgement of poverty is taking the time to realize where you actually stand in the shit-hole that is your finances. Now in this blog, THE POOR MAN, is defined by a simple set of rules:
1) Do you only make enough money for your necessities.
2) Do you work everyday and still keep your savings at a reasonable borderline of zero.
3) Do trips to the ATM instill a feeling a dread followed by a deep resigning sigh of hopelessness.
4) Does your wallet contain less than $5 at any time of the week and thus dread ever opening it, in that you would have to dig past some 12 weeks of receipts to claim said $5 (or less).
5) You fucking hate everyone.
If you match any or all of these rules with a resounding YES, then welcome aboard asshole, and get ready for the ride of a small and meaningless lifetime.
This Blog is dedicated to the acknowledgement of your poverty stricken fate and the reality that the american dream is fiercely subdivided between the hopeful (aka stupid), the lucky (aka rich) and the dead (aka you).
But all hope is not entirely lost. In the following entries I will enlighten you in the "ways of the poor" and offer many helpful tips and strategy's for not only surviving this state, but also utilizing it to your personal advantage in a world that considers you a necessary, yet highly expendable tool in it's box!
Read on you sad, angry, frustrated masses. The worst is yet to come... might as well be prepared for it!
Yours Truly,
The Consultant
The first big step for the acknowledgement of poverty is taking the time to realize where you actually stand in the shit-hole that is your finances. Now in this blog, THE POOR MAN, is defined by a simple set of rules:
1) Do you only make enough money for your necessities.
2) Do you work everyday and still keep your savings at a reasonable borderline of zero.
3) Do trips to the ATM instill a feeling a dread followed by a deep resigning sigh of hopelessness.
4) Does your wallet contain less than $5 at any time of the week and thus dread ever opening it, in that you would have to dig past some 12 weeks of receipts to claim said $5 (or less).
5) You fucking hate everyone.
If you match any or all of these rules with a resounding YES, then welcome aboard asshole, and get ready for the ride of a small and meaningless lifetime.
This Blog is dedicated to the acknowledgement of your poverty stricken fate and the reality that the american dream is fiercely subdivided between the hopeful (aka stupid), the lucky (aka rich) and the dead (aka you).
But all hope is not entirely lost. In the following entries I will enlighten you in the "ways of the poor" and offer many helpful tips and strategy's for not only surviving this state, but also utilizing it to your personal advantage in a world that considers you a necessary, yet highly expendable tool in it's box!
Read on you sad, angry, frustrated masses. The worst is yet to come... might as well be prepared for it!
Yours Truly,
The Consultant
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