Oil and Water: Relationships

One of the greatest pieces of advice that my father has ever given me goes a little something like this:

"If you gotta starve, it's easier when you're alone."

Amen to that, Pop.

It blows my mind to see so many broke and sorry sacks out there still clinging to the belief that they can pull themselves out of the gutter while somehow maintaining a girlfriend, family, social life or sex life. Listen up, has it ever occurred to you that the reason your financial disparity lies in direct correlation with the fact that you have an unyielding need to be with someone?

Now, I'm not implying that if you got a family, you should up and dump 'em in the hopes of finding a better life. You made the mess, now live with it. The only way out for you is a healthy dose of extra shifts, pocketed dreams and sacrifice.

As for the rest of you mopes, if you are broke and single: STAY THAT WAY!

It's time for me to be a chauvinistic bastard, so ready your "boos" cause this part is pretty much inevitable. (That's why I'm jumping on it now, so if you're offended you can skip down to the bottom or close this window all together and get back to your online poker tournament). If you're hot, then this shit doesn't apply to you. If you are a hot chick, it definitely doesn't apply to you!

I have a real hard time finding a poor hot chick who speaks fluent English anywhere in the states who isn't borderline retarded or below the minimum statutory age (and that's negotiable). If you are an attractive being, you have the ability, at any given moment, to be involved in multiple relationships that involve little to no personal or financial involvement. There are armies of working schmucks who are dying to feed, clothe, house, entertain, and bathe in excess any hottie who is willing to heed the call. Immoral and degrading, you say? Well fuck yes, but you're broke, those words don't apply to you. They mean as much to you as real estate investment and venture capitalism. If you are wanted on the physical level, there is access... all I'm saying.

But let us get back to the other 95% of the lonely, destitute, ugly, charmless, hopeless dicks who make up the poor community. If you are single and you don't have enough cash to cover your own ass, then why in the fuck would you invest in someone else's? Because you're sad? Because you're lonely? Because you don't want to suffer in silence? Reality check! You're all of those things because you are POOR.

You are poor because the stars, the government, the world, God and who knows what else have lined up and decided that you are barely even deserving of the short end of the stick. You are going to have to work twice as hard, twice as much to get to the level that some people call "lower middle class." Why tie on the extra baggage and increase the weight? The climb is going to be tough enough just trying to get yourself up the hill.

Some of you may be under the horribly misguided impression that the reason people have relationships is to lean on each other for support, for help and guidance. That you can have someone to share the burden, "lighten the load" like Samwise would say. Guess what, there is a reason that sort of shit is in the movies!

The two greatest causes of marital distress is sexual and financial tension. Magically, the number one cause of sexual distress is financial tension. So, like all things, MONEY IS EVERYTHING. True, rich assholes go through relationships like water. OF-FUCKING-COURSE! They can afford it! You can't.

Loneliness is a powerful weapon against discipline. There is many a dollar I have lost due to my weakening need to have human connection... that or get fucked (one or the other). You have to change your mind set, or you are going to get on that glorious hamster wheel called "poverty" and run yourself right into the grave.

There are also ARMIES of companies out there banking off your loneliness! Dating sites, flower shops, jewelry marts, greeting card companies, bars, restaurants, clubs... the list goes on and on. The media crams down your throat with millions of dollars worth of ads embracing and celebrating the socialite while spurning, chastising and alienating the isolated. Why is that, you say? Because people who accept isolation and independence don't blow shit tons of money on useless liabilities in hopes of being accepted.

Social networking sites are notorious for this shit. We are enslaved by Mytwits and Facespitters who have such a lack of inner spirit and personal fortitude that they have the overwhelming need to broadcast their mundane existence to the rest of the social world which is spitting it right back at them.

Just a brief analysis of this will prove to you that people don't care about people. Tweets are empty shallow ejaculates of thought that are insanely popular based on the fact that they lack any emotional depth or awareness. The lack of truth that trails down message boards and forums and chats and "wall postings" accounts for the thoughts of over 470 million miscreants. .0000000000005% of that holds any true emotional content. FUCKING PORN HAS MORE HEART AND REALITY. Not to mention the fact that most people who utilize these sites on a regular basis are using them to maintain a facade of connection. Keeping in touch with the most outstretched, lifeless and unaccountable means; similar to throwing a rock at a body to see if it's still alive... from a car that is driving in the opposite direction at 100mph. True engagement requires personal action and responsibility and frankly there are far too many RSS feeds to read about Lady Gaga for the world to even try.

"Hey, Mr. Man, social networking sites are free, so leave them alone, they fall into your angry little classification of acceptable past times because they don't charge you. So there. Nnnngh!"

True, very true. BUT NOTHING FREE IN THIS UNIVERSE IS WORTH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. PERIOD. Someone is fucking you in the ass somewhere and you are posting a thank you note on their digital wailing wall.

Getting back on topic, anyways, why the fuck do you care what some old college roommate did in Vegas last weekend, rent is coming up and your short. Get your mind on the prize. If you don't want to be bitter and at the bottom your whole life: GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN THE GAME! Stop giving a shit about human connection and start getting your shit together. It's just another temptation that leads to bleeding capital. Give it a rest, there are going to be plenty of things Uncle Sam, the DMV, Visa, Mastercard and your student loan payments are gonna drop on you to keep you occupied.

Ask yourself the question: "Do I want to be broke." If the answer is no, it's time to cut the dead weight. Does this mean you can't have friends? No. True friends are totally fine with hanging out playing board games and drinking water by candlelight. True friends are more than willing to understand that you can't make it to their birthday bash, wedding, funeral, etc. because if you leave your heap of shit car on the street too long it's going to get fucking repo'd. True friends are still your friends whether you talk to them everyday, every week, every month or every year. Anyone else is dead fucking weight. Cut the cord and let the chum float out into the tide of soulless social spidering. You'll be glad you did.

As for love, besides the fact that it's going extinct, here's all I can say: If you're doing bad, and they are there, without pressure, complaint, temptation for further spiral or constant announcement of your financial strife... then hell, maybe you found love. Otherwise, suffer alone. The road will be rougher, but it will be a hell of a lot shorter.

Let's not end on a down note my faithful downtrodden-ites! It's tip time:

Hate People

Saving cash is easy when you hate everyone. You don't go anywhere you don't do anything and you cut down on every interaction that can cause you potential gas money. Only interacting with other homo sapiens when you absolutely have to will increase your long term survival by ten fold.

Live in a fantasy world

Sad... yes. Sick... yes. Unhealthy... yes. Cheap... HOLY FUCKING HELL YES! On my worst days I am more than willing to admit that I mentally check out. I go to a place in my head where I am king of all I survey, fuck who I choose and kill without consequence. Call it a mini vacation. Build a fort, stare at the wall, curl up in a ball and cry for four hours while whispering in tongues. FINE, just don't spend any money doing it. Mental illness is cheap as long as you don't try to cure it.

Idolize Sociopaths

I love DEXTER! True, I have never rented a dvd, paid for the Showtime Movie Channel or bought one of the books. (stream it for free ninjavideo.net, fuck it) I will admit, it does get a little Disney Hallmark with his "I just want to be accepted" BS, but you can learn some valuable lessons from a guy who kills animals (people, same difference) without remorse and is able to bury himself deep inside without the people around him knowing. In fact, if there is something that the show does teach us, it is that people lead to trouble, so get away from them as much as possible... and destroy them if they try to ensnare you in their own bullshit.

Put your blinders on

This is more a recap of what I was stating earlier. Socializing leads to desire, desire leads to manipulation, manipulation leads to want, want leads to slavery (poverty). So turn that shit off. The social sites, the bulletin boards, the mass emails, the tweets, the twits and the twats. Your bills can keep you company, your frustration can keep you occupied and your immense bitterness and swelling homicidal rage will keep you entertained.


I know it does for me :)

By the way, like all things, trends rise and fall. The world swells now in the fascination of inclusion, but soon, (like dot coms, the real estate market, Enron, and Pogs) it will shift into a world of reclusion. The over saturation will eventually bleed out of the pores of the fattened, engorged socialite masses and burst open. Those inside will find salvation in locked doors, privacy and isolation, praising the introvert, the solitary and the independent. So hey, why not be the first on the band wagon.