Sunday, March 28, 2010

Short y Sweet: TAXES

I only have two things to say about this.

We all did bad this year, so if they are not expecting a huge amount of () in their schedule C's and 1040's then the IRS isn't just greedy, they are stupid as well.

If you make less than $25,000 a year: Learn to do your own taxes (see library posting above) Paying someone to tell you how much to pay someone else is just fucking stupid. Also, don't let a friend do it. It is your money and you have very little of it (if any at all, if you are reading this blog) know what the fuck is going on with yet. True you are gonna get raped every year, at least know why you're getting raped and who's doing it.

This is actually the one financial area in the US where the rich have the most to lose. Yes, you may fall into a riskier category, but who would you go after: the guy with nothing or the guy with six figures? Audits cost money and only about 5% of the people filing get hit(some say 1% but I think that's a lie). If the IRS went for only the people they could get the minimum out of their profit would be marginalized.

I liked the linked article below about who gets audited, true the author leaves out that the IRS can, with very little effort, destroy the life of anyone it touches without rhyme, reason or proof, but it may set your mind a little more at ease:

Ten Red Flags

Of course, as I am typing this I am thinking in the back of my head: "Hey I had a couple of these red flags. They may nail my ass by the time anyone reads this post." But such is the way of things, I got really nothing they could take, but if they want to take the time to burn me out, I will be sure to document it, in full, to all my lovely readers and we will see another realm in the world of fiscal domination.

Good night, readers, and remember your selective stress, financial terror and eventual hope or demise will be randomly selected by a computer that is being controlled by the most hated people on the earth... sleep well.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Weapons against the P: Libraries

Ignorance is bliss. It is also the most common weapon used against the poor and disadvantaged. There are a few lingering bastions of hope that limp on in the desolate landscape of the underprivileged American city and one is: The Library.

Libraries are one of the last rest stops on the road to enlightenment and perhaps the final oasis when it comes to this countries interest in education. Truth is, the stability of the library system does not exist based on the governments and body politics dedication to education and mental prosperity of their citizens; but as bragging points, tax-breaked historical landmarks and family attractions used to lure the outside public into the real estate market. Greed and manipulation lie churning at the core, but luckily, we noble dregs can get to indulge in the creamy after thought that is it's byproduct: free information.

Best thing anyone can do is donate a book. Any book, all books, about anything, ever! The sharing of free information, which lead to things like... um... the internet, is a capitalist nightmare. If it is worth knowing, it is worth having a price tag. The unfortunate thing for the corporation is the innate human trait that allows retention and translation, if we didn't have that, well revenue would reach the heavens. But we can read, remember, process and pass on. Hooray for us.

With that in mind let's talk about your personal responsibility to get smarter! Yep, gonna force a new requirement down your throat, so if you don't want to hear it, you can skip down. YOU SHOULD BE LEARNING SOMETHING NOW! School is a brilliant scheme. Force feed knowledge in predefined standards, curriculum and calendar years until the pupil hones in on that one day when he/she/it can say: "YES! I'm done! No more learning for this fucker! Time for a trip to the Ed Hardy Store!"

The despising of personal growth and knowledge is a key formula in maintaining the submission of any population. Asking "why" is a wise man's game, and wise men don't spend money! Better to build up a subconscious hatred of knowledge and let the cattle chew their cud. As for those fierce minds that never sacrifice their internal interest to expand the borders of their minds... well there is a plan for you assholes too!

On the other side of the coin are the saturators! Here is an overflow of information (now seemingly in the dominant electronic method) to fill the wanton intellect with mountains of useless, constant, petty, inarticulate and over-packaged drivel. Squeezing more links, more ads, more feeds, more headlines, more blogs, more tags, more galleries, more displays, more tweets, more posts, more comments, and more data into basic information that the user eventual has a mental "bleed out" with no focus and no drive. The information superhighway is now congested and lined with billboards and exits only to the mega-mall and multiplex.

Books are a threat because they are simple, focused and direct. That is why the ebook reader craze is such a forced issue. If technology is allowed to supply the hard copy reader, then it will be no time at all when the seduction of "free" information will draw the reader into "ad supported" documentation. Customizable settings and distracting option displays will linger the mind away from thought and content and the self indulgent desire for "interactivity" will dilute the messages of authors... if any still remain.

I love the advertising for ebook technology as well. "Great for people who travel because now they can have a whole library of books with them where ever they go!" How many people do you know who travel finish more than three books in any amount of travel to a particular destination? Oh, how I yearn for the day when weary travelers no longer have to drag their extensive tomes of fiction in heavy, dilapidated wagons through the unforgiving x-ray machine at the airport! Bullshit. Oh and fuck the environment angle as well, make solar powered ebook readers, then you can have that argument.

But we were talking about libraries, right? The necessity of the survivor to make an active effort to seek out new knowledge? Well, I'm sure you know why, but I will tell you anyways:

Knowledge is power. Free knowledge is limitless power. Knowledge will fuel your hate and distract you from your chains... until you learn how to break them. We all have our fixes with the "new" and the "popular," (which, if what the author has to say is valuable enough and you can dip into the mac n' cheese fund, then go for it) but there is so much just sitting in there that you can dive it into without having to dive into your wallet. The unknown will give you perspective and the access to that is unrestricted and usually ignored.

The other awesome fact is that humans are stupid and couldn't possibly grasp the total wealth of information in any library (including an elementary school one) so you can practically pick any location and have a virtual Elysium until you die from cancer!

Libraries also enforce silence. A hidden art to most Americans. BUT HEY, don't our governments and rich want us to be silent!? Nope, they just don't want you to be heard, there is a difference. Noise is essential, it confuses, flusters and overwhelm, it is a very useful tool.. but I will save that for a later day. Quiet makes you truly think, concentrate and study. Silence allows you retain. That's why shutting up is such a hard thing to do in the modern world, because as I stated before, we don't want to learn. (We'll also get to listening later as well, in case you give a shit)

So if you haven't been able to guess my politics on this then here it is in plain American:

Put the fucking device down. Read for real. Learn something.

The greatest mistake of the greedy enemy is the fact that they think that the new market in delivering information will flourish and lead to the end of the hard copy. However, their is a great value in hand-me-downs and as the saying goes: "One man's trash is another man's treasure." This is never so important than with information.

The hard copy promotes one final gem that has been forgotten in the digital age... sharing. Not file sharing, fuckers, but actual loan and return of a physical valuable object. Sharing a book derives the knowledge from the source and then allows it to be carried on to the next (literally). The physical "carrying" requires some form of personal accountability. This is another dry-rot of our society that has cost us as a whole.

To suit the form; some final thoughts:

Did I mention it was free?

You have no excuse. All roads, buses and walking paths lead to a library, so go. And if you try that whole "late-charge argument" thing about cost, then you are done in this world. It's all waiting for you, if you don't want it, you don't deserve it.

Look at all this shit

Libraries have more than books. I like audio books for driving and computer catalog systems for random searches on shit. If you're a die hard traditionalist, they still have books upon books and stuffy librarians. Hell, most libraries now have all the digital media, periodicals and tech crap that the truly electronically enslaved need as well, so once again... no excuse.

Make a game out of it

One of the best things is discovery. I like to pick at random something based on either title or cover art. This has been both successful and disastrous, but it has always been engaging. I am always finding someone new to hate and something entirely tragic and embarrassing to learn about, but hasn't cost me a dime and has kept me distracted from the lump of harden coal I pass in the middle of the night when all the 99 cent store food congeals into a solid mass in my colon. Hey, a good book may keep you from slitting your wrist on the subway, or get you around to finally doing it, who knows?

So as this rant-train comes to it's last stop for the day, think about giving you're electronic slave-master a rest, and curling up with a good free book, from your good free library (or shitty library) and let the daylight be your lamp and the words be as "interactive" as your mind wishes them to be.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

2 cents: Health Care Bill

I am a very firm believer that when it comes to the government informing the people on the (actual) realities of laws, bills, events, wars, etc., only about 10% of the truth ever really graces the ears and eyes of the public. After it has passed through it's elongated barrage of politicians, lobbyists, paid media advisers, legal jargon, actual media producers and onto the TV, internet or (god forbid) printed newspaper; it has become so diluted, that anything realistic sits like a light haze on the surface of the ocean.

So with that in mind, let's jump on the social hot button of Health Care Reform and make uneducated opinions about something we will never actually know anything about until someone can make a profit off the truth. And away we go...

Some general statistics are this:

Over 60% of bankruptcies in the US are caused by overwhelming medical expenses.

Over 70% of these bankruptcies belong to people who had medical insurance.

That means that even though people had medical insurance, they were still raped down to the very core by the cost of trying to get healthy. Basically, they could of had health insurance or not, the prices were so monumental that the one system set up to prevent this from happening fails over 70% of the time.

The American people are slaves to the medical world because no one wants to get sick and die. We all want to cling to life as much as possible as well as live as comfortably as possible. Hence, medical billing pretty much goes unchallenged because the fear of, "Hey if we weren't here, you'd all be dying... and not quiet and peaceful dying but bleeding from the asshole screaming agony dying!"

President Obama, poor deluded man that he is, is attempting to help the people of this sick country to find a way to have affordable health care for all. Sounds like a great strategy. In fact, in my perusal of the health care bill through the endless media super-filter has shown that it is not a bad plan and may in fact help those who are clinging to the hope that one day a doctor may help them and not bully them out of their every possession. Might get people healthier because they won't be so afraid of the doctor and put us up their in the ranks of places like Canada, (who may actually give a quantum of a shit about it's inhabitants.)

Yet, once again, we are simply dragging another bureaucratic band-aid over a festering pile of cancer.

No government official (well lasting government official) will ever say, "Well shit guys, maybe we wouldn't have so many issues about health, health care and insurance if the cost of medical care hadn't sky rocketed out of control? Maybe we should cap all the mother fuckers off at the 100% mark up limit and then see how that turns out?" Once again, someones making a profit so there is no answer.

If there was a shred of decency left by our elected officials, they would look to sources of the problems instead of layering another film of bills over the top of it. It's like saying the reason there is so much drunk driving accidents is because the cars are not being made to handle the riggers of being driven by someone who is under the influence.

Now we get into the counter arguments: prices get marked up because of malpractice insurance and those cruel and ruthless illegal immigrants who steal all their dynamite health care. Here's another question? Does anybody else get malpractice insurance? If a lawyer loses a case, does it come out of his pocket? If the mechanic fucks up your car, does he have insurance for when it catches fire on your way home? No, they fucking have to pay for it! If a lawyer fucks up because of incompetence, they disbar him, if the mechanic causes a serious problem because of negligence the shop pays for the replacement, or worse yet sends the fucker to prison. There is no safety net. Not to mention the fact if either of these guys fuck up, you twist in the wind anyways, so what's the deal?

Hell, I say we offer them a trade. You can charge whatever you want, but malpractice comes out of your pocket... you also get the right to refuse any medical practice you don't feel confident enough in performing. There you go, they are taking on all the risk, that means you can open the flood gates and push those price tags to the max! However, if you get a safety net, then you have to charge a small margin above cost (let's be generous with 50%) and then you can do whatever your hearts content is with patients. "Go at your own risk," hospitals! That's catchy.

As of now, they have it both ways. The safety net and the price freedom and the "go at your own risk" hospitals. Win-Win all the way around. Not to mention each avenue perfectly justifies the other:

High Medical Mark Ups - "Hey that malpractice insurance is expensive..."
Malpractice Costs - "Really high, so we gotta have it..."
Go at your own risk - "It isn't an exact science..."

With immense greed there is no cure for the common man. When dollars are attached there is never right or wrong, or justice and injustice, there is only lies and a price tag.

What can be done? (This is my cue for the tips!)

Accept Death

You are going to fucking die and it is going to be painful and terrifying and nothing can be done about it! Breathe it in! Accept it. There is a reason warriors in ancient Japan were taught to imagine their death constantly. This kind of thinking pulls out your reliance on someone else swooping in and making it better and focuses it on self-reliance and accepting that which you can not control. That is step number one, before all others. You also have to realize that this is true for everyone around you as well and will prep you for their eventual departure.

Sick is sick, it is also a Marketing tool

It is amazing how many waves of sickness can be translated into viable revenue streams. How often have you seen commercials that promote vague symptoms and unknown inner workings in order to coax you into an impromptu medical exam or medication? The reason why is that so many of us don't utilize the tip above (see above) and are so scared of their deaths (or just dying... or hell just being physically uncomfortable) that they will leap at any suggestion that indicates illness. However, once your past infancy, unless their is a flesh eating virus that you have personally seen eat the face off of the guy on the bus in front of you, maybe you should drop a dime on any "sick-fads" that come happening down the boob-tube.

Pain thresholds Elongate life spans


There are actually quite a few people who I think need a little pain and suffering. Many need to a have a few colds and flus and viruses to allow their bodies to build up some natural fucking defense instead of constant runs to the ER. There are quite a few extremely healthy people who never got sick until they went to the doctor. Weigh the options.

Stop Making up diseases!

Obesity is not a disease. There are no enzymes in the human body the pump out constant amounts of unyielding nutrition that eventual builds the body to bursting. LET THEM DIE! If people lack the ability to stop eating then 1) they are not poor and 2) they will never be cured. You have to rank them right up with child molesters, to where if they can't tell this is wrong, maybe they shouldn't be here. This also goes with these made up inverse diseases like bulimia and anorexia, if people can not compute the necessity for eating, then feed them to the obese. Believe me, there are a lot of people who know how to eat, eat properly and can't because their isn't any fucking food! The cost for these so called diseases range in the $100 billion a year... enough to provide every citizen of the US with full health care coverage from their date of birth. In fact, you can bury all the drug addicts, suiciders, smokers and alcoholics with them.

Yet, as I said, who knows what is true and what is not any more. As far as you or I really know, health care could cost $10 a year per person, the rest profit. Do you think anyone is really going to tell you true or false, especially if they are getting cuts of the pie? All I know is that when my doctor goes home, he is not going anywhere near my street, eating any of the same foods, wearing the same clothes or counting the change in the couch like I am. Neither is his insurance agent.

All things to think about while you waste your time worrying about a "new bill" that you have no say, control or power over. So get back to work.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Oil and Water: Relationships

One of the greatest pieces of advice that my father has ever given me goes a little something like this:

"If you gotta starve, it's easier when you're alone."

Amen to that, Pop.

It blows my mind to see so many broke and sorry sacks out there still clinging to the belief that they can pull themselves out of the gutter while somehow maintaining a girlfriend, family, social life or sex life. Listen up, has it ever occurred to you that the reason your financial disparity lies in direct correlation with the fact that you have an unyielding need to be with someone?

Now, I'm not implying that if you got a family, you should up and dump 'em in the hopes of finding a better life. You made the mess, now live with it. The only way out for you is a healthy dose of extra shifts, pocketed dreams and sacrifice.

As for the rest of you mopes, if you are broke and single: STAY THAT WAY!

It's time for me to be a chauvinistic bastard, so ready your "boos" cause this part is pretty much inevitable. (That's why I'm jumping on it now, so if you're offended you can skip down to the bottom or close this window all together and get back to your online poker tournament). If you're hot, then this shit doesn't apply to you. If you are a hot chick, it definitely doesn't apply to you!

I have a real hard time finding a poor hot chick who speaks fluent English anywhere in the states who isn't borderline retarded or below the minimum statutory age (and that's negotiable). If you are an attractive being, you have the ability, at any given moment, to be involved in multiple relationships that involve little to no personal or financial involvement. There are armies of working schmucks who are dying to feed, clothe, house, entertain, and bathe in excess any hottie who is willing to heed the call. Immoral and degrading, you say? Well fuck yes, but you're broke, those words don't apply to you. They mean as much to you as real estate investment and venture capitalism. If you are wanted on the physical level, there is access... all I'm saying.

But let us get back to the other 95% of the lonely, destitute, ugly, charmless, hopeless dicks who make up the poor community. If you are single and you don't have enough cash to cover your own ass, then why in the fuck would you invest in someone else's? Because you're sad? Because you're lonely? Because you don't want to suffer in silence? Reality check! You're all of those things because you are POOR.

You are poor because the stars, the government, the world, God and who knows what else have lined up and decided that you are barely even deserving of the short end of the stick. You are going to have to work twice as hard, twice as much to get to the level that some people call "lower middle class." Why tie on the extra baggage and increase the weight? The climb is going to be tough enough just trying to get yourself up the hill.

Some of you may be under the horribly misguided impression that the reason people have relationships is to lean on each other for support, for help and guidance. That you can have someone to share the burden, "lighten the load" like Samwise would say. Guess what, there is a reason that sort of shit is in the movies!

The two greatest causes of marital distress is sexual and financial tension. Magically, the number one cause of sexual distress is financial tension. So, like all things, MONEY IS EVERYTHING. True, rich assholes go through relationships like water. OF-FUCKING-COURSE! They can afford it! You can't.

Loneliness is a powerful weapon against discipline. There is many a dollar I have lost due to my weakening need to have human connection... that or get fucked (one or the other). You have to change your mind set, or you are going to get on that glorious hamster wheel called "poverty" and run yourself right into the grave.

There are also ARMIES of companies out there banking off your loneliness! Dating sites, flower shops, jewelry marts, greeting card companies, bars, restaurants, clubs... the list goes on and on. The media crams down your throat with millions of dollars worth of ads embracing and celebrating the socialite while spurning, chastising and alienating the isolated. Why is that, you say? Because people who accept isolation and independence don't blow shit tons of money on useless liabilities in hopes of being accepted.

Social networking sites are notorious for this shit. We are enslaved by Mytwits and Facespitters who have such a lack of inner spirit and personal fortitude that they have the overwhelming need to broadcast their mundane existence to the rest of the social world which is spitting it right back at them.

Just a brief analysis of this will prove to you that people don't care about people. Tweets are empty shallow ejaculates of thought that are insanely popular based on the fact that they lack any emotional depth or awareness. The lack of truth that trails down message boards and forums and chats and "wall postings" accounts for the thoughts of over 470 million miscreants. .0000000000005% of that holds any true emotional content. FUCKING PORN HAS MORE HEART AND REALITY. Not to mention the fact that most people who utilize these sites on a regular basis are using them to maintain a facade of connection. Keeping in touch with the most outstretched, lifeless and unaccountable means; similar to throwing a rock at a body to see if it's still alive... from a car that is driving in the opposite direction at 100mph. True engagement requires personal action and responsibility and frankly there are far too many RSS feeds to read about Lady Gaga for the world to even try.

"Hey, Mr. Man, social networking sites are free, so leave them alone, they fall into your angry little classification of acceptable past times because they don't charge you. So there. Nnnngh!"

True, very true. BUT NOTHING FREE IN THIS UNIVERSE IS WORTH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. PERIOD. Someone is fucking you in the ass somewhere and you are posting a thank you note on their digital wailing wall.

Getting back on topic, anyways, why the fuck do you care what some old college roommate did in Vegas last weekend, rent is coming up and your short. Get your mind on the prize. If you don't want to be bitter and at the bottom your whole life: GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN THE GAME! Stop giving a shit about human connection and start getting your shit together. It's just another temptation that leads to bleeding capital. Give it a rest, there are going to be plenty of things Uncle Sam, the DMV, Visa, Mastercard and your student loan payments are gonna drop on you to keep you occupied.

Ask yourself the question: "Do I want to be broke." If the answer is no, it's time to cut the dead weight. Does this mean you can't have friends? No. True friends are totally fine with hanging out playing board games and drinking water by candlelight. True friends are more than willing to understand that you can't make it to their birthday bash, wedding, funeral, etc. because if you leave your heap of shit car on the street too long it's going to get fucking repo'd. True friends are still your friends whether you talk to them everyday, every week, every month or every year. Anyone else is dead fucking weight. Cut the cord and let the chum float out into the tide of soulless social spidering. You'll be glad you did.

As for love, besides the fact that it's going extinct, here's all I can say: If you're doing bad, and they are there, without pressure, complaint, temptation for further spiral or constant announcement of your financial strife... then hell, maybe you found love. Otherwise, suffer alone. The road will be rougher, but it will be a hell of a lot shorter.

Let's not end on a down note my faithful downtrodden-ites! It's tip time:

Hate People

Saving cash is easy when you hate everyone. You don't go anywhere you don't do anything and you cut down on every interaction that can cause you potential gas money. Only interacting with other homo sapiens when you absolutely have to will increase your long term survival by ten fold.

Live in a fantasy world

Sad... yes. Sick... yes. Unhealthy... yes. Cheap... HOLY FUCKING HELL YES! On my worst days I am more than willing to admit that I mentally check out. I go to a place in my head where I am king of all I survey, fuck who I choose and kill without consequence. Call it a mini vacation. Build a fort, stare at the wall, curl up in a ball and cry for four hours while whispering in tongues. FINE, just don't spend any money doing it. Mental illness is cheap as long as you don't try to cure it.

Idolize Sociopaths

I love DEXTER! True, I have never rented a dvd, paid for the Showtime Movie Channel or bought one of the books. (stream it for free ninjavideo.net, fuck it) I will admit, it does get a little Disney Hallmark with his "I just want to be accepted" BS, but you can learn some valuable lessons from a guy who kills animals (people, same difference) without remorse and is able to bury himself deep inside without the people around him knowing. In fact, if there is something that the show does teach us, it is that people lead to trouble, so get away from them as much as possible... and destroy them if they try to ensnare you in their own bullshit.

Put your blinders on

This is more a recap of what I was stating earlier. Socializing leads to desire, desire leads to manipulation, manipulation leads to want, want leads to slavery (poverty). So turn that shit off. The social sites, the bulletin boards, the mass emails, the tweets, the twits and the twats. Your bills can keep you company, your frustration can keep you occupied and your immense bitterness and swelling homicidal rage will keep you entertained.


I know it does for me :)

By the way, like all things, trends rise and fall. The world swells now in the fascination of inclusion, but soon, (like dot coms, the real estate market, Enron, and Pogs) it will shift into a world of reclusion. The over saturation will eventually bleed out of the pores of the fattened, engorged socialite masses and burst open. Those inside will find salvation in locked doors, privacy and isolation, praising the introvert, the solitary and the independent. So hey, why not be the first on the band wagon.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Selling Out: The American Way!

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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Priority Check: Health

Someone once told me that they didn't understand how someone could be poor and fat. The natural logic was, no money = no food = skinny bastard. All of that seems to make sense accept most people who make a comfortable living seem to equate "poor" with "destitute," which, as we of the lesser financially inclined know to be absolute bullshit.

There are starving populations in third world countries which match the tried and true description of the waif impoverished masses. Yet, here in the good ol' US of A we have got a powerful majority of individuals who still consume food regularly, they just lack a very specific element: choice.

Choice is one of the great dividing lines between living and surviving. Someone who is living can go to a grocery store, browse, read labels, compare caloric intakes and saturated fats and make generally educated decisions based on taste, texture and nutritional value. A survivors diet is pretty much predicated on what food items have been marked down to a passable level (aka - $.99 or below). These are the people you see cowering in the cereal isle on all fours looking for that last bag of Tastee Fuzz that has been marked down to "buy 1 get 12 free." These are people who buy their rice at 99 Ranch and their condoms at Big Lots.

So, with that being said, the food budget, a laughable phrase to say the least, casts the deciding vote as to what goes into our bodies. With $17 a week to survive off of, the options are limited. It also doesn't help that truly healthy, nutritious, non-toxic, delicious, non-carcinogenic food costs a lot of money. If you really want to see capitalism at his sodomitic best, go check out the clearance rack at Whole Foods.

Money = Living and there is a powerful reason why health and wealth are only separated by one letter. On top of the fact that the wealthy get the best health care, the best living conditions and the best shelter and clothing, the poor are forced to stretch the absolute limits of quantity based on the smallest dollar value. Hence, the fat poor guy.

It may actually seem that the poor might have the winning hand in this trade out, for the equivalent of one bag of groceries at a health food store, a family of 5 survivors could get a weeks worth of provisions and maybe some lotion to treat that strange rash that keeps cropping up whenever they drink the powdered milk. The mass produced, chemically preserved, ultra bulk items are the only choice, not to mention you are usually trying to find the mass produced, chemically preserved, ultra bulk items that are ON SALE. The luxury of shopping for the "next few days" is not an option (fuck! could you imagine the gas), most survivors are shopping for the next two to three weeks because that's the span between paychecks and if the food doesn't last... then that's it, time to eat the dog and ration the children.

So what do the dregs eat. SHIT THAT LASTS! Canned, processed and packaged. I remember a particularly brutal week where I was weighing whether to purchase a 3 pound bag of tortilla chips and half gallon of brown label salsa or a loaf of cheap bread, mustard and lunch meat. The decision was heavy because the $5 I had needed to hold me for 4 days before my next paycheck . I am sure many of you can relate to this situation (and for the inquiring minds I went with the chips and salsa because 1) I tire of shitty sandwiches quickly and 2) I had that the previous 6 days). The same amount at Whole Foods would have got me... how the fuck should I know!!

So there I was, with a quarter pound of high starch, high salt, carbs rotting to cancer in my colon without any suitable nutrients to give me the will to get up or the desire to shit (because it hurt). Bad food means bad health, bad attitude, bad energy, bad physique and a bad person. So do the math and suddenly you get, "You know these people should really eat some healthier food, maybe they wouldn't be in such a bad mood all the time..." Well thank you for the update, Martha! Maybe our kids should study harder while they're being jumped into to the local gang set to prevent from being raped on their seven mile trek home from kindergarten! There is no choice; there is overstock, clearance, wholesale and price cuts.

Now you're poor and you're fat. Now what. Well kids, here comes the advice you've all been waiting for:

One A Day Keeps the Hepatitis Away

Discount multivitamins was some evil bastards idea back in the dark times to keep the slaves from dropping dead on the spot as they were carrying stones up the pharaoh's driveway. Now these great bench marks of science can be passed on to you and yours in the grand tradition of the sustainable labor force. All kidding aside, there are some decent after-market, non-label multivitamins that will keep you from seizing when you've been living off cheerios for 2 weeks. True it lacks the actual benefits of digesting your much needed minerals through proper food consumption, but at least you won't vomit at work... a lot. I also like to get something with some fiber in it so it doesn't sound like I'm squeezing a short bus of retarded kids out of my O-ring whenever I run to the john.

I like these guys cause occasionally they'll do a buy one get 5 free deal and you can have vitamins for a the next three months for anywhere between $10 and $15 bucks.

www.puritan.com - Yeah, sounds like a cult, but then again I would join a fucking cult for the promise of free health care and occasional blow job.

Ramen Is Your Friend

Pretty much every college student and immigrant knows this, but Ramen is the life blood of the working class. True, it's absolutely horrible for you and I have yet to see anyone perform a decent Pepsi Challenge with it, but fucking hell, $2 for a weeks supply. Mix that with your vitamins and you got yourself a food budget that is not only passable but absolutely depressing!

Plus, there is so much Ramen out there: Top Ramen, Maruchen Ramen... umm... Real Ramen (yes surprise, surprise, surprise Gomer, the shit we got here a starving family in Mongolia wouldn't use to poison their yak). I like to mix and match my Ramen, go dry noodle one day, soppy broth noodle the next. Even mixing flavors can be fun like Seasoning Salt mixed with the other Seasoning Salt, or Brown package day and Pink package day! The possibilities are endless! (what asshole said we didn't have any choices, hunh!)

Condiments Be DAMNED

OK, if you truly are broke, your food doesn't get mixed, matched or made with anything but water or heat. There is no "cooking" because their are no seasonings, sides, extras or additives (well not any good ones anyways). This also makes poor people really efficient eaters because who needs all the pesky prep and cleaning up when dinner involves a peeling of cellophane and a wastebasket.

I had an old roommate who taught me the glory of Ketchup Sandwiches! I introduced him to the 10 for $10 canned goods selection at the grocery store. We have been friends ever since.

There is probably no other poor area where the K.I.S.S. method has ever been so forcefully necessary (Keep It Simple, Stupid)! So ditch that mac n' cheese, rice a roni and hamburger helper, that all requires other shit which will tax the hell out of your weed money! Which leads me to my last tip...

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE

Nothing fuels my homicidal tendencies more than those disgusting fucks who spend their food stamps on Hostess, Kraft and Diet Rite. This has less to do with the fact that they are being given government vouchers for free and blowing it on junk food, I could give a fuck if they keel over rocketing gooey MSG out of their eye sockets, but it's the fact that they are buying NAME BRAND SHIT!!! You fucking fuckbag, MOTHERFUCKERS!! Really! You could get your same sugar high and cholesterol fix on the generic shit and get twice as much to last you three times the amount of time. True, the diabetes and eventual heart attack will hurt like a son of a bitch but at least you'll make rent and other poor peoples tax dollars can go towards more important things like building prisons for your children and supplying cops with second-hand balsa wood reinforced body armor.

If you're struggling, buy the cheap shit. You are going to be unhealthy, both mentally and physically, all the time anyways for so many other reasons, might as well resign to the fact that you can at least have a full stomach before heading back into the mines.

So let us wrap this puppy up (for supper) and come to some simple conclusions. The only goal for a broke person is one thing: Don't be broke. So if you are having some concerns about eating healthy, exercise, or physical appearance then you are just lying to yourself and prolonging your poverty. Why don't you spend it picking up those extra shifts, robbing that liquor store and taking it up the ass from the furry Armenian with the camcorder who pays by the hour so you can get out of the festering nutrion-less shit hole that you're in. If it's a peer pressure thing, well then break into their house and take their wholesome food as a lesson. Then burn the fucking place to the ground.

Off to heat up my dinner of whatever the fuck I chip out of the freezer! Good night and bon appetite!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Weapons against the P: Masturbating!

What kind of blog would this be without helpful hints and tips on surviving your predestined financial state!

This is the first of many posts on all sorts of great activities you can utilize to pass the time on your way to the poor house.

One of my favorite things in the world is financial sites that advertise cheap dates, activities, seminars, "adventures" and events that are easy on the wallet. Essentially, this is just another site selling you shit. If you are broke the only activity you can afford comes with one price tag and one price tag alone: $0

So let's jerk off!

Yes masturbating, the true proof of God. Any creature which has been blessed with the cognitive ability to blow a load by choice and at basically any time is really one of the remarkable wonders of our world.

Hopefully, I do not have to go through the rudimentary mechanics of expelling some nutty-buddies, but let's talk about the proper motivation!

Horray for free porn
If you are reading this blog then you probably have access to a computer and also are hopefully stealing your internet service. Due to the overwhelming demand (and the slow decline of western civilization) porn is free and abundant on the world wide web. You can watch it on computers and mobile devices anywhere in the world and not have to pay a dime. It used to be you only had access to the occasional clip that ran out just before the evil janitor slammed his rocket meat into the tied up cheerleader, but now you can watch full 30 to 40 minute rampant fuck-fests done by real down home people with low self esteem!

Here are some sites just to name a few!

Raw Gonzo
Spankwire
Smuttt

Now this is a great source of subject material that can be saved in the big, 10% use hard drive we all have called brains. There is nothing like watching some free porn, then remembering and then reusing it again and again. All free, all the time!

The lost art of Fantasy

Everybody's got someone they want to fuck. The waitress at Denny's, the teller at the welfare office, the stuck up bitch in the cubicle by the copier... whatever. Time to take the time to really work out the intricate fantasies of having your vulgar and unspeakable way with said lover (victim, depending on your preference).

I like to spend a good ten minutes giving my subject a thorough once over. A full body scan, if you will and then selecting one personal item in their general area that brings just the slightest source of reality into my lurid chamber of stickiness. For example, I used to fantasize about a waitress who I knew outside work as well. She always had some kind of drink in a metal thermas that she would constantly have with her. With that in mind, I would always slap the thermos out of her hands before bending her over my couch, or have her dump the contents over her awaiting form before being whisked off to my pump palace. (this fantasy worked better with cold drinks than hot). Wham bam, a little piece of truth in the pathetic lie added to the fun every time!

Here is the best part, no one will ever know how much self-sex you are having with them. It is so much better than actually ever dating them and realizing what a peice of shit they really are and losing out on all that cash for wasted food and entertainment that never ended in any fantasy resembling what you had of them. Save the cash, lock them into memory, then lock your door and go to town.

Nut busts lead to Savings!
One other great aspect is that fact that jerking off leads to ejaculation (also free) which leads to sleep (also free)!

Essentially you can get an awesome three for the price of one selection on totally free activities that take up time and distract you from the mundane miserable existence you are leading! Now that is an awesome deal.

Poor Man's Challenge:

Here is a great challenge to save money and have fun. Store up all this week for a full weekend of fantasy style wank off! Turn off the phone, leave off the lights and go to town in every filthy desire about every possible person you can remember ever wanting to violate. I like playing a game I have labeled TIME TRAVEL. This is where I think back to the earliest fantasy I have ever had and try to play through them one at a time. I include in this list every ex, friend, and enemy I have ever had my eye on if even once or as a constant participant in the super-porn mash up that is my spank tank!

Try to jerk yourself into exhaustion! See how many times you can do it in an hour/ day / weekend. Write it down and try to beat your record! This is an awesome, isolated and completely free activity that saves you money, releases tension and burns calories.

Now let me tell you what the best best bestest part is! You never ever have to pursue anyone. People in real life are not fantasies unless you have money, so it is retarded to think that you will ever have a real one that is even slightly comparable to the twisted menagerie that makes up your mind. So put them out of your mind. There will be more on this with future Weapons against the P posts, but for now, you've been reading long enough. Hit the room, hit the lights and let the self abuse flow... amongst other things!

Oil and Water: Vices and Poverty

This is a good way to tell if you are a lying sack of shit, a lazy bastard or just doomed:

If you are addicted to cigarettes or booze.... you are not a poor man.

Explanation: If you still have the ability to maintain any of these vices and still stand under the noble banner, "Damn I am broke," you are a god damn fucking liar and should be hanged in the square by your thumbs.

Let's talk vices for a bit. A truly broke and broken individual has not even a margin in their complex yet limited budget for any type of vice, addiction, "retail therapy" or hobby. Now if you are sucking off fat guys behind the truck stop for your Marlboros or choking newborns for a shot of J&B, then you land outside this category. However, if you are one of the many brazen fakers who claim that they can't pay their rent, but are hung over with a half full pack of smokes in their back pocket... you're not poor, you're a fucking moron.

Truly broke people don't have vices. They can't afford them. They don't "not know how to handle money" they don't have "impulse control issues," and they are not "bad money managers." THEY"RE FUCKING BROKE. They go nowhere, they do nothing. They work, they eat, they sleep, they shit and they hate your fucking guts. If they do drink or smoke, they do it on someone else's dime or when they are able to squeeze a microcosm of money out of their already strangled cash flow to buy the cheapest six pack they can and then consume in a dark room to keep from killing themselves. Like on birthdays.

That's it! There are no exceptions. So if you are one of these people, quit your vice and see where you stand. Two weeks without booze or cigarettes can can totally redefine your financial, not to mention mental and possibly spiritual, outlook. Suddenly, you will find yourself discovering all this extra cash you have around and the ability to feed yourself without flaring up that ulcer or borrowing from your folks.

I will rip on this more later, but there are those people who want to be poor. Not that they are consciously seeking out ways that they can burden themselves with all the pitfalls of a capitalist society, but they are people who long for the justification to complain about their finances. THIS SITE IS NOT FOR YOU.

People who can't control their spending, or just "have to have" things are deserving of the capitalist ass rape that is pumped into every non-wealthy American from their date of birth. There is a very immense need for that type of person in order to make many very rich, very powerful industries grow and prosper. But as I said, I will have my way with this later.

So to conclude this Oil and Water for today, analyze that vice and justify it in whatever way you wish. If you are truly enslaved by it, hopefully it will kill you quickly and violently, if not, then put it down. Your simple act or inactivity may be the dividing line between abject poverty and sustained impoverishment.

The First Level: Acceptance

So you are broke as fuck, time to accept it.

The first big step for the acknowledgement of poverty is taking the time to realize where you actually stand in the shit-hole that is your finances. Now in this blog, THE POOR MAN, is defined by a simple set of rules:

1) Do you only make enough money for your necessities.

2) Do you work everyday and still keep your savings at a reasonable borderline of zero.

3) Do trips to the ATM instill a feeling a dread followed by a deep resigning sigh of hopelessness.

4) Does your wallet contain less than $5 at any time of the week and thus dread ever opening it, in that you would have to dig past some 12 weeks of receipts to claim said $5 (or less).

5) You fucking hate everyone.

If you match any or all of these rules with a resounding YES, then welcome aboard asshole, and get ready for the ride of a small and meaningless lifetime.

This Blog is dedicated to the acknowledgement of your poverty stricken fate and the reality that the american dream is fiercely subdivided between the hopeful (aka stupid), the lucky (aka rich) and the dead (aka you).

But all hope is not entirely lost. In the following entries I will enlighten you in the "ways of the poor" and offer many helpful tips and strategy's for not only surviving this state, but also utilizing it to your personal advantage in a world that considers you a necessary, yet highly expendable tool in it's box!

Read on you sad, angry, frustrated masses. The worst is yet to come... might as well be prepared for it!

Yours Truly,
The Consultant