Priority Check: Health

Someone once told me that they didn't understand how someone could be poor and fat. The natural logic was, no money = no food = skinny bastard. All of that seems to make sense accept most people who make a comfortable living seem to equate "poor" with "destitute," which, as we of the lesser financially inclined know to be absolute bullshit.

There are starving populations in third world countries which match the tried and true description of the waif impoverished masses. Yet, here in the good ol' US of A we have got a powerful majority of individuals who still consume food regularly, they just lack a very specific element: choice.

Choice is one of the great dividing lines between living and surviving. Someone who is living can go to a grocery store, browse, read labels, compare caloric intakes and saturated fats and make generally educated decisions based on taste, texture and nutritional value. A survivors diet is pretty much predicated on what food items have been marked down to a passable level (aka - $.99 or below). These are the people you see cowering in the cereal isle on all fours looking for that last bag of Tastee Fuzz that has been marked down to "buy 1 get 12 free." These are people who buy their rice at 99 Ranch and their condoms at Big Lots.

So, with that being said, the food budget, a laughable phrase to say the least, casts the deciding vote as to what goes into our bodies. With $17 a week to survive off of, the options are limited. It also doesn't help that truly healthy, nutritious, non-toxic, delicious, non-carcinogenic food costs a lot of money. If you really want to see capitalism at his sodomitic best, go check out the clearance rack at Whole Foods.

Money = Living and there is a powerful reason why health and wealth are only separated by one letter. On top of the fact that the wealthy get the best health care, the best living conditions and the best shelter and clothing, the poor are forced to stretch the absolute limits of quantity based on the smallest dollar value. Hence, the fat poor guy.

It may actually seem that the poor might have the winning hand in this trade out, for the equivalent of one bag of groceries at a health food store, a family of 5 survivors could get a weeks worth of provisions and maybe some lotion to treat that strange rash that keeps cropping up whenever they drink the powdered milk. The mass produced, chemically preserved, ultra bulk items are the only choice, not to mention you are usually trying to find the mass produced, chemically preserved, ultra bulk items that are ON SALE. The luxury of shopping for the "next few days" is not an option (fuck! could you imagine the gas), most survivors are shopping for the next two to three weeks because that's the span between paychecks and if the food doesn't last... then that's it, time to eat the dog and ration the children.

So what do the dregs eat. SHIT THAT LASTS! Canned, processed and packaged. I remember a particularly brutal week where I was weighing whether to purchase a 3 pound bag of tortilla chips and half gallon of brown label salsa or a loaf of cheap bread, mustard and lunch meat. The decision was heavy because the $5 I had needed to hold me for 4 days before my next paycheck . I am sure many of you can relate to this situation (and for the inquiring minds I went with the chips and salsa because 1) I tire of shitty sandwiches quickly and 2) I had that the previous 6 days). The same amount at Whole Foods would have got me... how the fuck should I know!!

So there I was, with a quarter pound of high starch, high salt, carbs rotting to cancer in my colon without any suitable nutrients to give me the will to get up or the desire to shit (because it hurt). Bad food means bad health, bad attitude, bad energy, bad physique and a bad person. So do the math and suddenly you get, "You know these people should really eat some healthier food, maybe they wouldn't be in such a bad mood all the time..." Well thank you for the update, Martha! Maybe our kids should study harder while they're being jumped into to the local gang set to prevent from being raped on their seven mile trek home from kindergarten! There is no choice; there is overstock, clearance, wholesale and price cuts.

Now you're poor and you're fat. Now what. Well kids, here comes the advice you've all been waiting for:

One A Day Keeps the Hepatitis Away

Discount multivitamins was some evil bastards idea back in the dark times to keep the slaves from dropping dead on the spot as they were carrying stones up the pharaoh's driveway. Now these great bench marks of science can be passed on to you and yours in the grand tradition of the sustainable labor force. All kidding aside, there are some decent after-market, non-label multivitamins that will keep you from seizing when you've been living off cheerios for 2 weeks. True it lacks the actual benefits of digesting your much needed minerals through proper food consumption, but at least you won't vomit at work... a lot. I also like to get something with some fiber in it so it doesn't sound like I'm squeezing a short bus of retarded kids out of my O-ring whenever I run to the john.

I like these guys cause occasionally they'll do a buy one get 5 free deal and you can have vitamins for a the next three months for anywhere between $10 and $15 bucks.

www.puritan.com - Yeah, sounds like a cult, but then again I would join a fucking cult for the promise of free health care and occasional blow job.

Ramen Is Your Friend

Pretty much every college student and immigrant knows this, but Ramen is the life blood of the working class. True, it's absolutely horrible for you and I have yet to see anyone perform a decent Pepsi Challenge with it, but fucking hell, $2 for a weeks supply. Mix that with your vitamins and you got yourself a food budget that is not only passable but absolutely depressing!

Plus, there is so much Ramen out there: Top Ramen, Maruchen Ramen... umm... Real Ramen (yes surprise, surprise, surprise Gomer, the shit we got here a starving family in Mongolia wouldn't use to poison their yak). I like to mix and match my Ramen, go dry noodle one day, soppy broth noodle the next. Even mixing flavors can be fun like Seasoning Salt mixed with the other Seasoning Salt, or Brown package day and Pink package day! The possibilities are endless! (what asshole said we didn't have any choices, hunh!)

Condiments Be DAMNED

OK, if you truly are broke, your food doesn't get mixed, matched or made with anything but water or heat. There is no "cooking" because their are no seasonings, sides, extras or additives (well not any good ones anyways). This also makes poor people really efficient eaters because who needs all the pesky prep and cleaning up when dinner involves a peeling of cellophane and a wastebasket.

I had an old roommate who taught me the glory of Ketchup Sandwiches! I introduced him to the 10 for $10 canned goods selection at the grocery store. We have been friends ever since.

There is probably no other poor area where the K.I.S.S. method has ever been so forcefully necessary (Keep It Simple, Stupid)! So ditch that mac n' cheese, rice a roni and hamburger helper, that all requires other shit which will tax the hell out of your weed money! Which leads me to my last tip...

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE

Nothing fuels my homicidal tendencies more than those disgusting fucks who spend their food stamps on Hostess, Kraft and Diet Rite. This has less to do with the fact that they are being given government vouchers for free and blowing it on junk food, I could give a fuck if they keel over rocketing gooey MSG out of their eye sockets, but it's the fact that they are buying NAME BRAND SHIT!!! You fucking fuckbag, MOTHERFUCKERS!! Really! You could get your same sugar high and cholesterol fix on the generic shit and get twice as much to last you three times the amount of time. True, the diabetes and eventual heart attack will hurt like a son of a bitch but at least you'll make rent and other poor peoples tax dollars can go towards more important things like building prisons for your children and supplying cops with second-hand balsa wood reinforced body armor.

If you're struggling, buy the cheap shit. You are going to be unhealthy, both mentally and physically, all the time anyways for so many other reasons, might as well resign to the fact that you can at least have a full stomach before heading back into the mines.

So let us wrap this puppy up (for supper) and come to some simple conclusions. The only goal for a broke person is one thing: Don't be broke. So if you are having some concerns about eating healthy, exercise, or physical appearance then you are just lying to yourself and prolonging your poverty. Why don't you spend it picking up those extra shifts, robbing that liquor store and taking it up the ass from the furry Armenian with the camcorder who pays by the hour so you can get out of the festering nutrion-less shit hole that you're in. If it's a peer pressure thing, well then break into their house and take their wholesome food as a lesson. Then burn the fucking place to the ground.

Off to heat up my dinner of whatever the fuck I chip out of the freezer! Good night and bon appetite!